


Tony Stark Created an Avengers Group Chat

by alizziema



Series: The Avengers are dorks and I refuse to believe otherwise [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers being idiots, Bruce just wants to eat his sandwich, Bucky's hip with the kids, F/M, Group chat, Humor, I don't know what I'm doing with my life, In a world where there's a happy ending and no one dies, Loki loves beanie babies, Loki’s a queen, Memelord Shuri, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Semi-Crack, Shameless vine references, Shuri and Peter are buds, Steve doesn't like profantiy, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Valkyrie’s a queen, and no peasant will stop him, because it’s completed, but it’s completed, completed story, i wrote this at 3am, shall I say again that it’s completed?, story editing is being a bitch, the story is done, what am I doing with my life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-06-20 19:38:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15541524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alizziema/pseuds/alizziema
Summary: tonedownyouregogoodsir: Yeah, your girlfriend’s right. Thank god for her.tonedownyouregogoodsir: ...wow, no retaliation? That’s new for you, Nat.tonedownyouregogoodsir: OH GOD WIDOW’S OUTSIDE MY DOOR WITH A KNIFEtonedownyouregogoodsir: GUYS HELPtonedownyouregogoodsir: THIS MIGHT BE A CODE GREENtonedownyouregogoodsir: GUYS???ORTony creates a group chat and chaos ensues.





	1. The Discovery

**Author's Note:**

> Check out my new original story on Wattpad! It’s a read you won’t regret~
> 
> https://my.w.tt/K5MrfXsosQ

_Tony Stark created a group named “The solution to all of our problems”_

greenbeanbanner: Tony, what the hell is this?

Tony Stark: A group chat because we obviously can’t communicate when we’re literally all over the country/world/galaxy, and I was bored

Tony Stark: Wait why does it show my full name when I’m talking that’s repulsive 

_Tony Stark changed his nickname to “thetrueleaderoftheavengers”_

thetrueleaderoftheavengers: That’s better

_falconpunch changed thetrueleaderoftheavengers’s nickname to “tonedownyouregogoodsir”_

_tonedownyouregogoodsir changed falconpunch’s nickname to “thelesserbird”_

thelesserbird: really

tonedownyouregogoodsir: You started it

ifiredandimissed: Wow, this is actually going to be a thing 

ifiredandimissed: How the hell is Cap in this group chat? 

tonedownyouregogoodsir: I gave him a better phone

apetnamedsteve: I don’t know how to work this.

tonedownyouregogoodsir: Ten bucks says he spent the past minute typing that

greenbeanbanner: I don’t have the mental strength to handle this 

notsoblackwidow: Tony, what were you thinking?

notsoblackwidow: What even is this name?

tonedownyouregogoodsir: I thought it was funny

_ifiredandimissed changed notsoblackwidow’s name to “budapestbuds”_

tonedownyouregogoodsir: Ew barton you’re such a dad

ifiredandimissed: Like you’re any better

tonedownyouregogoodsir: But I’m the cool dad. You’re the cringey dad

tinyman: Hey! A group chat! Cool!

_tinyman changed his nickname to “antmanwithaplan”_

tonedownyouregogoodsir: ..I stand corrected

antmanwithaplan: Wow, I can’t believe you actually remembered my number and decided to add me here

tonedownyouregogoodsir: Yeah, I can’t either

 _apetnamedsteve changed his nickname to “Steve Rodgers”_

tonedownyouregogoodsir: Wow. He’s learning. 

_oldman2 changed Steve Rodgers’s nickname to “starspangledman”_

oldman2: Yeah, too bad I am too

thelesserbird: oh fuck this I’m out

_thelesserbird left the group chat_

_oldman2 added thelesserbird to the group chat_

_oldman2 changed thelesserbird’s nickname to “saltyunclesam”_

ifiredandimissed: Sam you have to apologize for that, Steve doesn’t like that kind of language

saltyunclesam: oh shit, sorry steve 

tonedownyouregogoodsir: I don’t think capsicle likes that one either

oldman2: Not after the Alps he doesn’t.

starspangledman: I hate you all.

_tonedownyouregogoodsir added “spiderchild” to the group chat_

spiderchild: Hey guys!

budapestbuds: Hi Peter.

saltyunclesam: aw, it’s the spider baby

ifiredandimissed: Petey! Love the nickname

oldman2: Hello junior spider.

spiderchild: ...what will it take for you to greet me like a normal person

ifiredandimissed: You graduating high school 

saltyunclesam: OOF

tonedownyouregogoodsir: Hey Peter, my little protégée. How are you on this fine evening?

spiderchild: Wonderful, my good sir 

antmanwithaplan: Hey Pete! How are you?

spiderchild: OMG HI SCOTT 

antmanwithaplan: HI! 

spiderchild: Dude I didn’t even know you would be in the chat 

spiderchild: That makes me so happy you don’t even know

antmanwithaplan: I KNOW! The bug bros have been reunited at last

spiderchild: Hell yeah!

spiderchild: ****heck

spiderchild: sorry steve 

maximawfulpuns: Hello everyone 

spiderchild: Wanda!!!

ifiredandimissed: I love that nickname so much oh my god

tonedownyouregogoodsir: Why thank you, I always knew I had an unmatchable sense of humor

ifiredandimissed: ...I changed my mind, I hate it

_imafiringmylazer changed maximawfulpuns’s nickname to “wandabear”_

wandabear: Aww, Viz <3

tonedownyouregogoodsir: Oh god I’m puking 

budapestbuds: Shut up Tony, it’s cute. 

saltyunclesam: yeah, just because you have the emotional range of a cucumber doesn’t mean they do. chill.

spiderchild: Emotional range of a cucumber LMAO

tonedownyouregogoodsir: So the suit’s gone now

spiderchild: What?!? What did I do?!?

ifiredandimissed: Don’t worry Pete, he’s just salty

tonedownyouregogoodsir: I’m not salty

oldman2: He’s salty.

starspangledman: Why are you using salt to describe someone? I don’t understand.

imafiringmylazer: It’s slang for upset or hurt, but used in a more lighthearted manner than the former. 

tonedownyouregogoodsir: Aw, theres the human encyclopedia. 

starspangledman: That make a lot of sense. Thank you Vision.

imafiringmylazer: You’re welcome, Captain.

_wandabear changed imafiringmylazer’s name to “vizziepoo”_

tonedownyouregogoodsir: No! My perfectly good outdated pop culture reference!

vizziepoo: I love you Wanda <3

wandabear: I love you too Viz <3

antmanwithaplan: Awww...

 _spiderchild added “clothinghanger” to the group_

tonedownyouregogoodsir: ...clothing hanger. 

clothinghanger: hey my name is Shuri with a B and I’ve been afraid of insects my entire life

spiderchild: Wait, where’s the B

clothinghanger: tHERE’S A BEE?!?

antmanwithaplan: I mean I know the Wasp but she isn’t here right now 

saltyunclesam: it was a vine reference, scott

antmanwithaplan: ...oh.

ifiredandimissed: The new generation scares me sometimes.

tonedownyouregogoodsir: Tell me about it

clothinghanger: hey, I had to downgrade to your prehistoric tech in order to even join this group chat, so you’d better be appreciative of my presence

ifiredandimissed: Yeah Tony, be appreciative.

tonedownyouregogoodsir: ...you did the same thing I did Barton shut your ass

ifiredandimissed: I would but I’m not willingly going to constipate myself

greenbeanbanner: So this is what I come back to read while eating a sandwich. 

budapestbuds: I’m sorry on behalf of them Bruce. God knows they won’t apologize.

tonedownyouregogoodsir: Yeah, your girlfriend’s right. Thank god for her.

tonedownyouregogoodsir: ...wow, no retaliation? That’s new for you, Nat.

tonedownyouregogoodsir: OH GOD WIDOW’S OUTSIDE MY DOOR WITH A KNIFE

tonedownyouregogoodsir: GUYS HELP

tonedownyouregogoodsir: THIS MIGHT BE A CODE GREEN

tonedownyouregogoodsir: GUYS??? 

ifiredandimissed: Sorry Tony, you’re on your own.

greenbeanbanner: Yeah...you brought this on yourself. Sorry.

tonedownyouregogoodsir: Wow, seriously? My own team is turning on me. I thought you were my friends.

saltyunclesam: not when Nat’s involved

oldman2: ^^^

tonedownyouregogoodsir: Really? No one at all is going to help?

spiderchild: ...I’m sorry Mr. Stark, but I value my life.

starspangledman: We’ll see you on the other side, Tony.

tonedownyouregogoodsir: Wow, you all are so mean, you know that? I thought you guys would have my back whensbwidhekz

saltyunclesam: ...and there he goes.

_ifiredandimissed changed tonedownyouregogoodsir’s name to “nevergotthatcaprisun”_


	2. Discussions and Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> starspangledman: That still doesn’t mean I’m not well adjusted.
> 
> nevergotthatcaprisun: Says the guy who pronounced meme as “mehmay”
> 
> starspangledman: That’s what it looks like it sounds like! 
> 
> ifiredandimissed: I’ve gotta give Steve the benefit of the doubt on that one because that’s what everyone calls memes when they first see the word
> 
> saltyunclesam: i understand that, but he still does act like an old man
> 
> starspangledman: How? I know about nearly all of the new technology and I know how to use the internet.
> 
> greenbeanbanner: I’m sorry Steve but I’ve heard you say “khaki wacky” before. 
> 
> ifiredandimissed: ijust choked on mysprite

saltyunclesam: okay, who the hell decided it would be a good idea to put a cd in a toaster and actually turn it on? now my floor smells like shit 

oldman2: Wait, that’s not what you’re supposed to do? 

saltyunclesam: of course it isn’t! why the hell would a toaster play a cd? you use a cd player to play a cd. would’ve thought that would be obvious 

oldman2: Sam I’m so sorry, Tony told me that toasters play CDs. I had no idea that wasn’t how it works..

saltyunclesam: ...Stark, you piece of sHIT

nevergotthatcaprisun: Worth it ^^

starspangledman: Wait, I think Tony told me that when I first moved into the tower as well…

ifiredandimissed: I remember that

greenbeanbanner: Don’t remind me. The floor smelled like burnt plastic for weeks.

saltyunclesam: the smell lasts WEEKS?!? god now i need to buy more febreze

oldman2: Wait, I got fooled by the same thing as Steve? Damn, I’m slacking off

ifiredandimissed: Better start hitting the internet again, Bucky

oldman2: I guess so

starspangledman: What’s that supposed to imply?

ifiredandimissed: Well, Bucky generally has more modern knowledge than you 

greenbeanbanner: He’s adjusted to the times better

starspangledman: What? That’s not true. I’ve been here longer.

nevergotthatcaprisun: Doesn’t mean you act like it. You still say cahoots.

nevergotthatcaprisun: No one says cahoots.

ifiredandimissed: heh. Kahoot.

oldman2: ...fuck kahoot.

saltyunclesam: ***frick

starspangledman: That still doesn’t mean I’m not well adjusted.

nevergotthatcaprisun: Says the guy who pronounced meme as “mehmay”

starspangledman: That’s what it looks like it sounds like! 

ifiredandimissed: I’ve gotta give Steve the benefit of the doubt on that one because that’s what everyone calls memes when they first see the word

saltyunclesam: i understand that, but he still does act like an old man

starspangledman: How? I know about nearly all of the new technology and I know how to use the internet.

greenbeanbanner: I’m sorry Steve but I’ve heard you say “khaki wacky” before. 

ifiredandimissed: ijust choked on mysprite

saltyunclesam: oh my gOD

oldman2: Steve, come on. That’s so 40’s

starspangledman: Bucky, just don’t.

nevergotthatcaprisun: I literally can’t see I’m laughing waytoo hard holy sHIT

saltyunclesam: i need a moment

starspangledman: It was common to say that in the forties, okay?

budapestbuds: Alright, I think you all have teased Steve enough.

ifiredandimissed: Okay okay, we’ll stop now

spiderchild: Hey guys! Sorry, I had decathlon practice after school today so I didn’t have time to talk hehe

ifiredandimissed: ...god kid, I love you

spiderchild: Love you too, Clint!

nevergotthatcaprisun: Hey, back off. He’s my kid

ifiredandimissed: Come on, I can still show him love. He deserves it!

nevergotthatcaprisun: I mean I can’t argue with that but still

spiderchild: Mr. Stark, is your nickname alluding to a vine?

ifiredandimissed: You like? I changed it to that

spiderchild: Dude I love it

spiderchild: And is it bad that it kinda makes sense?

ifiredandimissed: It’s not because it does make sense

saltyunclesam: yeah, tony strikes me as that kind of guy

spiderchild: Mhmm..

nevergotthatcaprisun: Wait, am I missing something here? I don’t get it

saltyunclesam: ..oh my god he doesn’t get it

ifiredandimissed: Don’t tell him. Do not tell him. 

oldman2: Wow Stark, even I get it

nevergotthatcaprisun: I’m looking it up as soon as I change this nickname because I’m assuming it’s self-deprecating 

_nevergotthatcaprisun changed his nickname to “theactualgenius”_

greenbeanbanner: ..I’m offended.

theactualgenius: Offended that it’s true or

greenbeanbanner: Tony, I have 7 PhD’s, come on

budapestbuds: Don’t bother to argue Bruce, it’s as good as talking to a wall

theactualgenius: Yeah Bruce

greenbeanbanner: I’m just gonna go make some more coffee

spiderchild: Nooo Bruce we love you and you are a genius too! 

greenbeanbanner: Thank you Peter

spiderchild: You’re welcome :)

theactualgenius: Kid, you’re killing me here

theactualgenius: You’re way too nice for this

spiderchild: This?

theactualgenius: The world, existence, take your pick

oldman2: Why do everyone have original nicknames while I’m stuck with something generic

saltyunclesam: change it then

oldman2: But I’m not creative

spiderchild: I have an idea!

oldman2: Go ahead

_spiderchild changed oldman2’s nickname to “heyzeus”_

spiderchild: Cuz he kinda looks like jesus

spiderchild: I thought it was funny

heyzeus: Peter. I love you.

spiderchild: I love you too Bucky!

theactualgenius: Why is everyone suddenly professing their love to my child

ifiredandimissed: Because he’s actually probably the best person in the universe

ifiredandimissed: And I’m crying over that nickname 

spiderchild: In a good way? 

ifiredandimissed: Yup

saltyunclesam: I JUST GOT IT HAH

saltyunclesam: “hey zeus” 

heyzeus: …

saltyunclesam: i can feel you staring at me in disappointment through my phone stop

spiderchild: Hey guys, I gtg, I’m sleeping over at my gf’s house tonight

spiderchild: See you tomorrow!

theactualgenius: ...I’m sorry what

theactualgenius: Please tell me you meant a literal friend that’s a girl and not a girlfriend I don’t want to feel old this early in the game

saltyunclesam: wHAT

saltyunclesam: peter has a girlfriend??

saltyunclesam: WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN

heyzeus: ^^^^^^^^^^

spiderchild: Wait

spiderchild: SHIT I’m so sorry I wasn’t thinking I wasn’t actually planning on telling you guys

spiderchild: *shoot

starspangledman: Aw, that’s wonderful Peter! Who’s the lucky lady?

spiderchild: She’s just a girl from school ;;

ifiredandimissed: She can’t just be a girl from school if she’s your girlfriend Pete

theactualgenius: Name, address, phone number, student id, now.

spiderchild: Uhm

spiderchild: For real?

theactualgenius: Yup, start laying out the info kid

budapestbuds: Don’t listen to him Peter

budapestbuds: And I’m very glad you found someone

spiderchild: Thanks Nat :)

saltyunclesam: if she ever tries to seduce you lmk and she’ll be gone in a day

heyzeus: Make it an hour

greenbeanbanner: Thirty minutes

theactualgenius: Ten minutes

budapestbuds: Ten seconds.

spiderchild: Um

spiderchild: Thanks for the offer guys but I don’t think it’ll be necessary ;;;;

spiderchild: She’s really sweet and kind so I don’t think she’ll do that 

saltyunclesam: can you at least drop the name though i’m genuinely curious

spiderchild: Her name’s Michelle

ifiredandimissed: Oooh~ Michelle

budapestbuds: Clint.

ifiredandimissed: What???

greenbeanbanner: Congratulations Peter! I hope you have fun at the sleepover!

spiderchild: Thank you Mr. Banner! I will!

theactualgenius: Use protection. Always use protection

theactualgenius: You don’t want to accidentally get a girl pregnant in high school

theactualgenius: It’s not good for your rep

spiderchild: MR. STARK!!!!

theactualgenius: I know I know, but it’s a thing us adults have to do when a child like you ends up in a relationship

starspangledman: Please wait until you’re at least in your twenties to do anything sexual, Peter.

ifiredandimissed: ^^^^

heyzeus: ^^^^^^^^

spiderchild: oh my god this is not happening right now

budapestbuds: If you ever think about becoming sexually active let us know beforehand, okay? 

saltyunclesam: always perform safe sex

spiderchild: ...i did not sign up for this

ifiredandimissed: Hey, do we have to give him the sex talk too?

saltyunclesam: i think we need to give him the sex talk

theactualgenius: I knew this time would come eventually

heyzeus: Well Peter, when two people love each other very much..

spiderchild: gUYS IT’S FINE

spiderchild: I ALREADY GOT THE TALK FROM MAY AND STEVE’S SCHOOL PSA THINGS IT’S OKAY

spiderchild: AND I REALLY DO HAVE TO GO

budapestbuds: Alright, we’ll let you go now

theactualgenius: Wait, school PSA’s?

starspangledman: Don’t ask.

spiderchild: Idk what they’re actually called but you can probably find them on youtube

spiderchild: Ttyl! Bye!

saltyunclesam: bye peter!

ifiredandimissed: Have fun ;)

saltyunclesam: ew ^^

ifiredandimissed: Shut up Sam

heyzeus: Bye kid!

starspangledman: Goodbye Peter!

theactualgenius: holyshit these videos imcrying

theactualgenius: RAPPING WITH CAP?

heyzeus: wHAT

saltyunclesam: link. send it.

starspangledman: Please don’t.

ifiredandimissed: Please do

theactualgenius: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohwJduwiAkk

theactualgenius: ICANTBREATHE

heyzeus: Oh my god Steve how did they convince you to make this

starspangledman: Forced might be a better word to use.

starspangledman: And bribery.

saltyunclesam: THIS IS GOLD

saltyunclesam: PLAY THIS AT MY FUNERAL

heyzeus: How much?

starspangledman: $500,000

heyzeus: HOLY SHIT

ifiredandimissed: Jesus how did you manage tHAT

starspangledman: I really didn’t want to do it.

theactualgenius: Wow, this is beautiful

theactualgenius: Captain America was convinced to make school PSA videos because of money

starspangledman: That’s not true! I did come to understand after a while. This type of thing is important for teaching children good habits.

ifiredandmissed: But you really did it for the money

starspangledman: No!

saltyunclesam: be honest cap, come on

starspangledman: I am being honest!

theactualgenius: Mhmm

starspangledman: I am!

heyzeus: Keep telling yourself that, Steve

_theotherpeter added “notaraccoon” to the group chat_

_theotherpeter added “thisisgamora” to the group chat_

_theotherpeter added “thedraxattack” to the group chat_

_theotherpeter added “iamgroot” to the group chat_

_theotherpeter added “thelivinglullaby” to the group chat_

notaraccoon: quill what is this

notaraccoon: oh fuck

notaraccoon: it’s these assholes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes.


	3. Sanity who? I don’t know her.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> notaraccoon: Dude, we need to go back to Terra. I need that arm
> 
> theotherpeter: You’ve already stolen a guy’s leg and an eye 
> 
> theotherpeter: Why do you feel the need to steal an arm?
> 
> notaraccoon: Quill, you saw it. It’s probably worth loads of units on the market
> 
> notaraccoon: The metal does not look cheap 
> 
> theotherpeter: But it’s his arm 
> 
> notaraccoon: So?
> 
> iamgroot: I am Groot.
> 
> notaraccoon: ...did you just call me morally incorrect?

iamgroot: I am Groot.

notaraccoon: Oh shut up Groot, no one cares about the stupid swear jar 

theotherpeter: Hey, I care about the stupid swear jar! It’s an effective way of stopping the habit of swearing

notaraccoon: No, it’s actually just a way for you and Gamora to rob us of our money

iamgroot: I am Groot! 

notaraccoon: See? He agrees with me

thisisgamora: Quill’s right, Rocket. You owe money to the swear jar now

thedraxattack: HAHAHAHAHA! That’s right!

notaraccoon: Oh shut up you doofus 

theotherpeter: ..dude, no one says doofus anymore

thelivinglullaby: Doofus? What is that? 

theotherpeter: Another word for stupid. It’s old.

thedraxattack: So you’re a doofus! 

theotherpeter: What? No!

thedraxattack: You’re stupid, and you’re old! You’re a doofus!

thelivinglullaby: That makes so much sense! You are a doofus then, Peter!

theotherpeter: Gamora, help me

thisisgamora: I’m leaving my phone alone and I’m not touching it for the next half an hour

theotherpeter: Gamora!!

thisisgamora: It’s your crew, Captain. Not mine.

notaraccoon: Yeah, Captain

theotherpeter: Oh, shut up

saltyunclesam: ..goddamnit, it’s these morons

ifiredandimissed: Wait, is this the alien crew? 

theotherpeter: We’re actually called the Guardians of the Galaxy, thank you very much

ifiredandimissed: Same difference

theactualgenius: Quill, what made you think you could add the rest of your crew to this group chat without my permission? 

theotherpeter: ..because you added all of yours? 

theactualgenius: But I created the chat. You didn’t. 

theactualgenius: You adding the rest of your bunch basically ensures that our phone batteries will never be safe ever again

clothinghanger: except for mine

theactualgenius: who the fuck

theactualgenius: Oh

theactualgenius: Shuri

iamgroot: I am Groot! 

theotherpeter: Groot, stop it. Please.

iamgroot: I am Groot.

theotherpeter: ..well, you’re not wrong there

saltyunclesam: how long have you been lurking in the gc

saltyunclesam: be honest 

clothinghanger: since arrow man choked on his sprite 

ifiredandimissed: Ah, so you were here for khaki wacky

clothinghanger: yes, yes I was

ifiredandimissed: Wonderful ;) 

starspangledman: Clint, why do you do this?

ifiredandimissed: Entertainment 

heyzeus: Wait, is this the group that includes the raccoon I used to shoot those aliens in Wakanda?

notaraccoon: you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me

notaraccoon: Are you blind? Look at my name. 

notaraccoon: Look at my name and think about what you’ve just done.

heyzeus: Oh uh

heyzeus: Sorry

heyzeus: …furry talking animal?

notaraccoon: ..y’know what

notaraccoon: I’ll take that

notaraccoon: Are you the metal arm man?

heyzeus: Yeah

notaraccoon: Dude, we need to go back to Terra. I need that arm

theotherpeter: You’ve already stolen a guy’s leg and an eye 

theotherpeter: Why do you feel the need to steal an arm?

notaraccoon: Quill, you saw it. It’s probably worth loads of units on the market

notaraccoon: The metal does not look cheap 

theotherpeter: But it’s his arm 

notaraccoon: So?

iamgroot: I am Groot.

notaraccoon: ...did you just call me morally incorrect? 

iamgroot: I am Groot 

notaraccoon: Dude

theotherpeter: Well he’s not wrong 

notaraccoon: I’ve saved the galaxy three times how the hell am I morally incorrect

ifiredandimissed: I don’t want to overstep anything but maybe the fact that you’ve stolen people’s body parts adds to that assumption

notaraccoon: But they’re worth a lot of money! 

saltyunclesam: i still don’t understand how you and tony don’t get along

theactualgenius: Him and his happy hungry crew are stupid, that’s why

theotherpeter: But you still added me to the chat

theactualgenius: Just you. Not the rest.

thedraxattack: I think he likes us 

theactualgenius: ..did you tune out halfway through this conversation or something because that is the exact opposite of the point I’m trying to get across

heyzeus: Is no one going to talk about how Tony said “happy hungry crew”

saltyunclesam: oh my god I just noticed it

saltyunclesam: wtf tony LMAO

theactualgenius: I don’t know anymore

ifiredandimissed: Where did you even get that from lol

theactualgenius: I don’t know

theactualgenius: It just happened 

youreawizardstephen: Oh god

youreawizardstephen: Why am I here?

heyzeus: I ask myself that every day buddy

heyzeus: I don’t know

theactualgenius: Hey! Stephen! Glad you could make it

youreawizardstephen: Tony. 

theactualgenius: Yes?

youreawizardstephen: Why.

theactualgenius: Why not?

ifiredandimissed: I can think of a lot of reasons actually

youreawizardstephen: My phone has died twice while I was working because of this chat.

youreawizardstephen: It hasn’t even been a full day.

theactualgenius: We can’t help if we’re very social people, Stephen 

budapestbuds: …

greenbeanbanner: …

wandabear: …

theactualgenius: Okay, well most of us are social people

iamgroot: I am Groot.

theotherpeter: You used to be social when you were younger

theotherpeter: I don’t know what happened

notaraccoon: He became an asshole, that’s what

thedraxattack: He became an asshole? I thought he was an adolescent 

thelivinglullaby: Things can turn into assholes?

thedraxattack: That doesn’t sound healthy at all

iamgroot: I am Groot.

theotherpeter: Groot!! That was rude

notaraccoon: What happened to you, Groot? We used to have a connection 

iamgroot: I am Groot!

theotherpeter: Yeah, suuure

theotherpeter: Man dude, we used to be so connected we could finish each other’s s..

spiderchild: sOME BODY ONCE TOLD ME

theotherpeter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAY

spiderchild: HI PETER 

spiderchild: SORRY DUDE I HAD TO TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY 

theotherpeter: I’m so happy you did

saltyunclesam: the trio of idiots is almost completed 

ifiredandimissed: Wait, there’s a trio? I wasn’t aware of this 

heyzeus: Yeah, who’s the third person?

saltyunclesam: i’m not gonna say only because I’m pretty sure he’s gonna show up because that’s how things work

theactualgenius: ..I’m waiting

clothinghanger: gODDAMNIT I LEFT FOR ONE SECOND 

ifiredandimissed: Is that it?

saltyunclesam: ...nope 

saltyunclesam: i would include her but she actually is the smartest person here 

saltyunclesam: so i don’t think i can call her an idiot 

clothinghanger: damn right you can’t 

spiderchild: Sorry Shuri~ 

clothinghanger: i hate you

theotherpeter: That’s what you get for sleeping on the connections man

antmanwithaplan: Hey guys! Sorry I haven’t been active, work has been crazy 

spiderchild: SCOTT!!!

theotherpeter: AY! SCOTTIE!

saltyunclesam: ...and there it is 

ifiredandimissed: Oooooh

heyzeus: That makes a lot of sense tbh

theactualgenius: Yeah, I can see it

antmanwithaplan: Should I scroll up? Because I feel like I’m missing something 

notaraccoon: Just don’t bother

notaraccoon: It’s not worth it

antmanwithaplan: Okay

clothinghanger: eyyy, the old man used a texting acronym 

clothinghanger: congrats

heyzeus: Why thank you 

heyzeus: I try

budapestbuds: I want to point out that I could hear a part of Tony’s ego in those messages

budapestbuds: I suggest you leave the tower for a few days before it’s too late James

heyzeus: ..oh shit you’re right

heyzeus: Yeah so I’m gonna go take a vacation

spiderchild: Omg yeah that’s so true

spiderchild: Please take a break soon, an ego doesn’t look good on you 

theactualgenius: ...what about me?

ifiredandimissed: You’re the physical embodiment of ego Tony

ifiredandimissed: It looks good on you because it is you

theotherpeter: Uhm

theotherpeter: I suddenly feel highly uncomfortable with his conversation 

saltyunclesam: ??

saltyunclesam: clarify

antmanwithaplan: Wait, didn’t you say your dad was an evil god thing named Ego?

theotherpeter: Yeah

thedraxattack: We had to kill him. It was fun

ifiredandimissed: Oh shit I called Tony your dad

ifiredandimissed: That’s an awful image

theactualgenius: I’m a father to only one Peter

spiderchild: Hehe :) 

saltyunclesam: AWWWWWWW

theactualgenius: And that’s officially the last time I’m being nice in front of you all

saltyunclesam: awwwww ):

theactualgenius: I can feel you pouting through the screen

theactualgenius: Stop

saltyunclesam: )))))):

theactualgenius: I feel violated

youreawizardstephen: I’m officially locking myself in the mirror dimension for all of eternity 

youreawizardstephen: My opinion of humanity has fallen

youreawizardstephen: Goodbye

_clothinghanger changed youreawizardstephen’s name to “byefelicia”_

theactualgenius: Noooooo Steeepheeeeen

byefelicia: I’m turning my phone off

theactualgenius: Noooooo

theactualgenius: Come baaaack

ifiredandimissed: Now isn’t this just the saddest sight 

thedraxattack: It isn’t.

ifiredandimissed: ..so that moment’s ruined okay next topic

heyzeus: Peter, aren’t you supposed to be sleeping over at your girlfriend’s house?

spiderchild: I am at her house right now, but she fell asleep and I’m wide awake 

saltyunclesam: wow, really? its only 12

spiderchild: She’s an early riser

theactualgenius: Makes sense

ifiredandimissed: Or she could’ve been tired out by other things ;)

spiderchild: Ew

spiderchild: I am DISGUSTED

spiderchild: I am REVOLTED

clothinghanger: omfgimcrying—

spiderchild: I dedicate my entire life to our lord and savior Jesus Christ and tHIS IS THE THANKS I GET

clothinghanger: icantbreathe

clothinghanger: thatwasperfect

spiderchild: It was a prime opportunity 

saltyunclesam: LMFAO 

antmanwithaplan: HAH! I’ve actually seen this vine

antmanwithaplan: I get it 

theactualgenius: Time to look this up..

heyzeus: I’ve seen it too

heyzeus: That’s sad, Tony

theactualgenius: Fuck off

iamgroot: I AM GROOT

notaraccoon: Enough about the swear jar already! They don’t do that there! It only applies to us, alright? 

starspangledman: Tony.

theactualgenius: ..the $20 will be there by the end of the day

notaraccoon: …

notaraccoon: Well damn

iamgroot: I am Groot.

notaraccoon: Oh shut up

notactuallythestrongestavenger: GREETINGS, FRIENDS! THE MIGHTY THOR HAS ARRIVED!

thelivinglullaby: Muscle man!!

theactualgenius: Hey point break

spiderchild: Thor!! Hi!! 

ifiredandimissed: Hey dude 

starspangledman: It’s very nice to see you again, Thor.

notactuallythestrongestavenger: Greetings! It is very nice to see you all as well!

thedraxattack: Oh my god

thedraxattack: It’s the angel 

thedraxattack: Guys, I don’t know what to do, I’m freaking out a little 

notactuallythestrongestavenger: There is no need to panic, my friend. 

thedraxattack: Oh my god he called me his friend

thedraxattack: QUILL

theotherpeter: Oh, it’s this guy

theotherpeter: He’s no big deal Drax, you know that

thedraxattack: No, you’re just jealous that you don’t have muscles as strong as his

thelivinglullaby: His muscles are made of metal. Yours are made of rubber.

theotherpeter: ...that stung, not gonna lie. I’ve been working out, you know. I kept to my word. I thought you would notice the difference

notaraccoon: Hey bud! Nice to see my favorite guy in the world again!

notactuallythestrongestavenger: Hello rabbit Captain! It is very nice to see you again as well

theotherpeter: Guys, I’m still the captain 

thedraxattack: Not when this man is around. His very existence overtakes you

iamgroot: I am Groot.

theotherpeter: ...wow. Okay. I see how it is.

notactuallythestrongestavenger: Hello, tree! 

iamgroot: I am Groot!!

notactuallythestrongestavenger: Isn’t there another member of your crew? A female, if I recall correctly

theotherpeter: Gamora’s talking to her sister right now. I don’t know about what, though. And I’m not about to try to interrupt when she locked the door because I want to keep the blood in my body

notactuallythestrongestavenger: That is understandable. A lady of mine is like that as well.

notactuallythestrongestavenger: Actually, that reminds me that I must include someone else in this chatting group.

_notactuallythestrongestavenger added “upallnighttogetloki” to the group chat_

upallnighttogetloki: It’s Britney, bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> I just want to let you all know that I’m on vacation right now, so I might not be posting as often as I have been recently.
> 
> I also want to thank you all so much for all of the support and I LOVE YOU ALL SO FRIKIN MUCH!! <3 THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
> 
> And with that, I’m out.


	4. How Boys Become Men

clothinghanger: i want to marry this man.

everybodywantstobeacat: I would advise against that, Shuri. The man in question is not one to be trusted.

clothinghanger: brother, stop taking everything so seriously…

clothinghanger: also, love the nickname ;)

everbodywantstobeacat: Who gave me this nickname?

theactualgenius: Uh

theactualgenius: I did

theactualgenius: Why?

everybodywantstobeacat: Well played, Mr. Stark. I appreciate the humor.

theactualgenius: Oh wow

theactualgenius: Thanks. I’m glad you actually appreciate it.

saltyunclesam: oof i can feel the shade through the phone

upallnighttogetloki: I’m pleasantly surprised you mortals aren’t rejecting my arrival entirely. 

clothinghanger: idc what you’ve done 

clothinghanger: anyone with an entrance like that deserves to be respected and honored and be treated as holy

upallnighttogetloki: Why thank you very much for the praise.

upallnighttogetloki: I wish all other mortals had the same mindset as you. 

clothinghanger: me too man

clothinghanger: y’all are sleeping on this man, smh

saltyunclesam: i mean i don’t think he’s holy but

saltyunclesam: that entrance 

clothinghanger: i’m missing my wig

saltyunclesam: me too

starspangledman: I’m very confused. 

ifiredandimissed: Me too, Cap. Me too.

upallnighttogetloki: Well, I guess I’ll have to thank Peter for the recommendation. It worked astonishingly well.

clothinghanger: pETER

clothinghanger: I FUCKING KNEW IT

clothinghanger: THAT SNEAKY LITTLE SHIT

spiderchild: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHH

clothinghanger: i actually can’t believe you got someone to say that 

clothinghanger: this child

spiderchild: Bow to me

spiderchild: Bow to my great glory

clothinghanger: dont fucking say it

spiderchild: kNEEEEEEEEEEL

clothinghanger: aksjskhsisjs

clothinghanger: im leaving

clothinghanger: this is too much

upallnighttogetloki: Were you mocking me, Peter?

spiderchild: Don’t worry

spiderchild: It was all with affection 

upallnighttogetloki: Affection?

upallnighttogetloki: Well, I suppose that’s alright then.. 

theactualgenius: Hold on just a damn second

theactualgenius: Peter, you’ve been texting Loki?

spiderchild: Only for like a month

theactualgenius: A MONTH?!?

theactualgenius: I swear to god Loki, if you lay a hand on my son I won’t hesitate to beat your ass into the ground

upallnighttogetloki: No need to lose your head, Stark. I have no ill feelings, nor do I have ill intent regarding Peter.

upallnighttogetloki: He is a very pleasant child to be around.

ifiredandimissed: Oh god

ifiredandimissed: It’s the end of the world

ifiredandimissed: Loki’s gone soft

notactuallythestrongestavenger: He definitely has gone soft.

notactuallythestrongestavenger: He’s been complimenting people lately, which is a very new experience. 

upallnighttogetloki: Thor, you said you wouldn’t say anything!

notactuallythestrongestavenger: I’m sorry brother, but it’s quite cute if I’m being honest.

notaraccoon: Wait wait, is he the whole “evil but not really evil” brother you were talking about? 

notactuallythestrongestavenger: Yes, he is. Rabbit, meet my brother Loki.

notaraccoon: Dude, if you ever need someone to steal something of value just let me know

notaraccoon: As long as you pay well, I’m at your service

upallnighttogetloki: I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.

ifiredandimissed: Okay, is anyone else concerned by the fact that there are people pledging loyalty and worshipping the megalomaniac who almost killed everyone? Oh, and that he also took over my mind and made try to kill you all?!?

notactuallythestrongestavenger: Don’t worry about it Clint, that was in the past.

ifiredandimissed: I

ifiredandimissed: This

ifiredandimissed: I’ve officially given up on you all. I’m retiring for real tomorrow. Resignation papers will be on Fury’s desk in the morning. Goodbye.

theactualgenius: Nooooo, Cliiiiint )))):

ifiredandimissed: Don’t patronize me, Tony

heyzeus: Please tell me that I’m not the only one concerned with the fact that the god of mischief was added to our gc

saltyunclesam: dw, he’s not a bad dude anymore

heyzeus: I know that, but he’s still the god of mischief 

heyzeus: And everyone has admin privileges

upallnighttogetloki: Is that so? I wasn’t aware of that until now.

spiderchild: Oh god

spiderchild: Loki, no

upallnighttogetloki: Loki, yes.

theotherpeter: Before the inevitable destruction of this chat

theotherpeter: Can we acknowledge that we’ve made two people lose faith in humanity because of this chat in one day?

theotherpeter: I think that’s a cause for celebration 

iamgroot: I am Groot. 

notaraccoon: What the hell?? No, you can’t drink Groot. 

iamgroot: I am Groot!

theotherpeter: WHAT??

notaraccoon: Alright, time to go

notaraccoon: Nice knowing you all

notaraccoon: Goodbye

theotherpeter: ..trash panda.

notaraccoon: you son of a bitch

_upallnighttogetloki changed theactualgenius’s name to “tinytinman”_

_upallnighttogetloki changed ifiredandimissed’s name to “myprecious”_

_upallnighttogetloki changed starspangledman’s name to “waytoopatriotictobesociallyacceptable”_

_upallnighttogetloki changed saltyunclesam’s name to “maninabirdsuit”_

_upallnighttogetloki changed budapestbuds’s nickname to “mewlingquim”_

_upallnighttogetloki changed notactuallythestrongestavenger’s name to “lordofthunder”_

_upallnighttogetloki changed spiderchild’s nickname to “everythinggoodintheworld”_

_upallnighttogetloki added “thesuperioralcoholic” to the group chat_

tinytinman: ...really?

heyzeus: Well

heyzeus: Looks like I got off free 

heyzeus: Yay :)

upallnighttogetloki: Peter requested that I keep your name the same.

upallnighttogetloki: And I do not have any connections with you thus far, so I did not have any material to go off of to change your name.

heyzeus: Awe, thanks Pete 

everythinggoodintheworld: You’re welcome :)

myprecious: Uhm

myprecious: This name makes me uncomfortable

upallnighttogetloki: I don’t see why it should. You were the first person I brainwashed. I see that as an achievement.

maninabirdsuit: hey, at least it’s a pop culture reference

maninabirdsuit: and not a completely inaccurate and depreciating interpretation of your abilities 

myprecious: Well, when you put it like that

myprecious: Also, you actually named Peter something positive and dare I say cute

myprecious: I didn’t think you had that in you

upallnighttogetloki: I’ve determined it impossible to try to insult Peter. And I’ve also discovered that he deserves to be protected and loved.

everythinggoodintheworld: Aww, thank you Loki :)

upallnighttogetloki: You’re welcome, Peter.

maninabirdsuit: awwwww, well isn’t that the sweetest thing

tinytinman: And he finally gets something right

tinytinman: Wait

tinytinman: Why didn’t you change Bruce’s name?

upallnighttogetloki: I couldn’t think of anything.

myprecious: And he’s probably scared of him after he slammed him into the floor for a good 30 seconds

myprecious: I know I would be

upallnighttogetloki: I’m not scared of anything, you fool.

tinytinman: Really? Not anything?

tinytinman: Not even commitment?

maninabirdsuit: dAMN

upallnighttogetloki: You’re one to talk.

maninabirdsuit: DDDAAAAAAAMN

maninabirdsuit: sHOTS FIRED

lordofthunder: Loki. Brother.

lordofthunder: Please don’t tell me the person you added was Brunhilde.

upallnighttogetloki: And if it was?

thesuperioralcoholic: wHAT’S UP BITCHES

thesuperioralcoholic: Man does it feel great to crash a party

thesuperioralcoholic: So, who wants to know what about these idiots? I have about five folders of blackmail on my phone ready to be used, a piece of information ranges from $10-50 depending on the severity 

thesuperioralcoholic: I have everything and anything ranging from odd sayings and habits to Thor’s kinks

clothinghanger: wait is that my wife

thesuperioralcoholic: Hey Shuri :)

clothinghanger: HI BABE <3

everybodywantstobeacat: What.

everybodywantstobeacat: Shuri.

everybodywantstobeacat: Please don’t tell me you got married.

clothinghanger: dwdw, it’s platonic

clothinghanger: she’s thor’s gf, the one he introduced to us

everybodywantstobeacat: Oh, the warrior. That makes more sense.

everybodywantstobeacat: You need to warn me before you say those things Shuri, I nearly had a heart attack.

lordofthunder: Hilde, please don’t do this

thesuperioralcoholic: Babe I’m sorry but this is happening whether you like it or not

notaraccoon: ..I like this chick 

notaraccoon: What can I buy for 25?

thesuperioralcoholic: Let me check

thesuperioralcoholic: Anything embarrassing that’s happened in front of a crowd, how Thor tries to flirt with me, and Loki’s secret stash 

notaraccoon: Can I pay later or does it have to be upfront? 

thesuperioralcoholic: Upfront. I’ll dm my info to you

notaraccoon: Nice, I’ll pay for the secret stash one then 

upallnighttogetloki: Wait what? 

upallnighttogetloki: This has to be a joke.

thesuperioralcoholic: Sorry to disappoint you, but it isn’t.

tinytinman: Hold on

tinytinman: Thor got laid

tinytinman: When 

lordofthunder: She’s the lady that I met when I was on Saakar. Remember when I told you about my journey with Banner? 

tinytinman: I gathered that. When the hell did you get laid though?

lordofthunder: A month ago.

waytoopatriotictobesociallyacceptable: I’m not socially acceptable..? 

heyzeus: Steve, no, you are

heyzeus: It’s a joke, don’t stress about it

myprecious: Wow, you’re still on that? 

myprecious: That conversation happened a long time ago

mewlingquim: It was a minute ago.

myprecious: A minute can be a long time

maninabirdsuit: i’m very overwhelmed

maninabirdsuit: but i oddly don’t mind

maninabirdsuit: because i like this girl’s attitude 

tinytinman: ^^^^

clothinghanger: big mood.

waytoopatriotictobesociallyacceptable: How can a mood be big..? 

heyzeus: We seriously need to teach Steve the ways of the internet 

heyzeus: This is too sad

waytoopatriotictobesociallyacceptable: Please do.

heyzeus: Dw, I gotchu 

notaraccoon: hOLY SHIT IM CRYING

notaraccoon: HE COLLECTS BEANIE BABIES?? 

notaraccoon: ICAN’TFUCKINGBREATHE

notaraccoon: A FUCKING EMO GOD COLLECTS BEANIE BABIES

upallnighttogetloki: This is public humiliation.

upallnighttogetloki: There must be some sort of law against this.

tinytinman: Sorry reindeer games, but none of us are politicians 

tinytinman: And I haven’t brushed up on law since college 

maninabirdsuit: beaniebabies???

maninabirdsuit: yourekidding

upallnighttogetloki: In my defense, they’re incredibly adorable. 

maninbirdsuit: that—

maninabirdsuit: that’s beautiful 

maninabirdsuit: that’s actually beautiful 

notaraccoon: Oh my god

notaraccoon: That was the best purchase I’ve made in my entire life

tinytinman: So what would I get for $50?

thesuperioralcoholic: Thor’s kinks, Loki’s sex life, information on their past relationships, how Jane kicked Thor and Loki’s ass, etc.

tinytinman: Oh, I’m definitely buying some of this

lordofthunder: Sweetheart, please

thesuperioralcoholic: Think of the money, Thor 

notaraccoon: ...god, this woman 

notaraccoon: Can I platonically marry her too? 

thesuperioralcoholic: Of course doll ;)

notaraccoon: Fuck. Yes.

myprecious: Damn Thor

myprecious: She’s running your life 

lordofthunder: Yes, and I unfortunately have no control over her

thesuperioralcoholic: $30 to find out how I trained him 

mewlingquim: Dm me

myprecious: Oh god

myprecious: We’re all gonna die 

myprecious: This is it

maninabirdsuit: im actually scared

lordofthunder: You honestly should be.

mewlingquim: I bought the taser.

myprecious: hOLY FUCK SHE TRAINED YOU WITH A TASER???

myprecious: FUCK THIS IM OUT

notaraccoon: How much for the taser

notaraccoon: I need it

thisisgamora: Me too.

theotherpeter: Um.

lordofthunder: I’m so sorry, Quill.

everythinggoodintheworld: Hey Mr. Stark, what floor are you on right now?

tinytinman: 96, why?

tinytinman: Um

tinytinman: Kid?

tinytinman: You there?

everythinggoodintheworld: MR STARK IM SO SORRY MICHELLE FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WHOLE SEX LIFE CONVERSATION THING AND SHE STOLE MY WEBSHOOTERS AND LEFT 

everythinggoodintheworld: I THINK SHE’S GOING AFTER YOU

tinytinman: oh

tinytinman: Well, that shouldn’t be a problem, FRIDAY can just lock my romanskwjkzbdkwxb

maninabirdsuit: tony?

maninabirdsuit: damn

maninabirdsuit: he’s gone

myprecious: And that’s the second time this week

waytoopatriotictobesociallyacceptable: Wow, this is so sad

waytoopatriotictobesociallyacceptable: Alexa, play despacito

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I’m back from my vacation! Hope the chapter made it worth the wait lol, I’m a bit tired still so my creative juices were a little lower than usual. Though I will admit, I’m extremely proud of those last two lines :)


	5. A True Mindfuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> waytoopatriotictobesociallyacceptable: Sam please, that joke’s almost 7 years old.
> 
> myprecious: ..it’s been almost 7 years?
> 
> tinytinman: Yup.
> 
> myprecious: Oh my god I’m so old
> 
> tinytinman: Yup.
> 
> myprecious: ..that’s for that confidence booster I really appreciate it
> 
> tinytinman: No problem legolas 
> 
> tinytinman: If it makes you feel any better, I don’t look it
> 
> myprecious: Tony, you’re an asshole.
> 
> myprecious: That’s what she said.
> 
> maninabirdsuit: damn that’s too real

everythinggoodintheworld: ichoked

everythinggoodintheworld: holyshit

everythinggoodintheworld: thatdidnotjusthappen

clothinghanger: im cACKLING 

clothinghanger: wHERETHEFUCKDIDTHATCOMEFROM

maninabirdsuit: the perfect man doesn’t exi—

everythinggoodintheworld: sAM STOP ICANTBREATHE

clothinghanger: did that happen

clothinghanger: did that really just happen

clothinghanger: can i platonically marry twice—

myprecious: oh shit

myprecious: My wig’s gone

everythinggoodintheworld: clintyou just made soda comeout of my nose

everythinggoodintheworld: Itburns

clothinghanger: bucky 

clothinghanger: whatever you did

clothinghanger: THANK YOU.

heyzeus: I just told him to not be afraid to actually make the references 

lordofthunder: Well, it certainly yielded good results

waytoopatriotictobesociallyacceptable: I’m still trying to grasp it all, but I think I got the timing correct with that joke.

clothinghanger: you did everything right with that joke dude ilysm 

waytoopatriotictobesociallyacceptable: Wait, I actually know what that acronym means! 

waytoopatriotictobesociallyacceptable: ilysmt!

clothinghanger: ..i want him.

maninabirdsuit: bucky

maninabirdsuit: this is probably one of the first times i don’t actually hate you too much

heyzeus: Thanks 

heyzeus: I appreciate that

tinytinman: Hey guys I’m back

tinytinman: Severely damaged, but alive

tinytinman: What did I miss

maninabirdsuit: oof, she really did you bad

myprecious: That’s what she said.

maninabirdsuit: fuck off 

myprecious: That is also what she said.

heyzeus: Scroll up Tony

tinytinman: wait

tinytinman: Hold on

tinytinman: Did I really miss Cap’s first pop culture reference

myprecious: Yup.

tinytinman: fUCK

myprecious: thatswhatshesaid

maninabirdsuit: language

waytoopatriotictobesociallyacceptable: Sam please, that joke’s almost 7 years old.

myprecious: ..it’s been almost 7 years?

tinytinman: Yup.

myprecious: Oh my god I’m so old

tinytinman: Yup.

myprecious: ..thanks for that confidence booster I really appreciate it

tinytinman: No problem legolas 

tinytinman: If it makes you feel any better, I don’t look it

myprecious: Tony, you’re an asshole.

myprecious: That’s what she said.

maninabirdsuit: damn that’s too real

heyzeus: What did that girl do to you anyways?

tinytinman: Um

tinytinman: To salvage my pride I’m not going to say any more than I can’t stand up. 

heyzeus: Damn, good pick Peter

everythinggoodintheworld: Thanks Bucky! 

tinytinman: Wait, why is that a good thing?? 

tinytinman: She attacked me

tinytinman: She is not a safe person to be around

tinytinman: That is the opposite of good

maninabirdsuit: the same reason why pepper’s good for you

tinytinman: ...oh.

antmanwithaplan: Hey guys! Sorry I’ve been texting on and off, some really crazy weird stuff has been happening over here. 

everythinggoodintheworld: Aw it’s okay Scott, you don’t need to apologize. We get it :)

maninabirdsuit: elaborate?

antmanwithaplan: Aw, thanks Pete, you’re so sweet. :)

antmanwithaplan: Haha, that rhymed.

antmanwithaplan: But it's nothing much, just a crack in the quantum realm that we had to fix that was causing quantum energy to radiate into the world and cause this weird form of radiation poisoning, but it’s really nothing all that big. Just the average problem. We have it handled.

tinytinman: Cool

greenbeanbanner: Hey Tony, the Nintendo switch just arrived

tinytinman: Really?!?

everythinggoodintheworld: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?

myprecious: Oh hell yes

myprecious: I’ve literally been waiting all week for this thing to come in I love it so much

myprecious: It’s so beautiful..

maninabirdsuit: ew, take your weird fetish to a different room

maninabirdsuit: though i can’t deny im pretty hyped for this thing

greenbeanbanner: It’s in the living room if you guys want to set it up :)

myprecious: Hell yeah I’m going

maninbirdsuit: meet you there

antmanwithaplan: ..yeah, cool. Really cool. Nice. Nintendo switch.

everythinggoodintheworld: Oh no Scott I’m super sorry! The quantum realm stuff does sound super awesome

everythinggoodintheworld: I think we don’t have too strong of a reaction though just because we don’t know too much about it 

antmanwithaplan: I really wish I could teleport wherever you are and give you a hug.

antmanwithaplan: You’re too kind for this world

mewlingquim: ^^^^^^^

mewlingquim: Also these guys are idiots with no concern for another’s emotional well being so it’s normal to expect this behavior

myprecious: Hey! I care!

mewlingquim: …

myprecious: Most of the time.

everythinggoodintheworld: Oh my god wait

everythinggoodintheworld: All the bug bros are here

antmanwithaplan: Oh my god you’re right..

antmanwithaplan: We’ve finally been reunited! 

mewlingquim: It’s been quite a while.

everythinggoodintheworld: Yeah, it has

everythinggoodintheworld: But I’m glad we could finally be reunited :)

antmanwithaplan: Me too :)

mewlingquim: Bug bros before hoes.

everythinggoodintheworld: Yes. Bug bros before hoes.

maninabirdsuit: um 

maninabirdsuit: what 

heyzeus: They’re bonding, Sam.

heyzeus: They’re re-joining their people and rejoicing in each other’s presence.

heyzeus: Let them live, Sam.

clothinghanger: yeah sam, leave britney alone

maninabirdsuit: ew that’s such an old meme

maninabirdsuit: that made me uncomfortable 

upallnighttogetloki: Wait..

upallnighttogetloki: Aren’t I Britney?

everythinggoodintheworld: Uhm

everythinggoodintheworld: What

upallnighttogetloki: I said that I was Britney when I entered the chat.

upallnighttogetloki: Am I not?

everythinggoodintheworld: ..he thinks he’s Britney Spears 

myprecious: Oh god he’s having an existential crisis 

myprecious: Somebody help

doesntlikeedsheeran: Alright, this is an intervention.

doesntlikeedsheeran: I’m going to be honest and say that I’ve been lurking since the beginning of the chat.

doesntlikeedsheeran: I’m nearly 100% positive a few of my brain cells died trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

doesntlikeedsheeran: I think we need to take a deep breath and calm down for a few moments.

tinytinman: Rhodey, you know that’s impossible for nearly everyone here.

doesntlikeedsheeran: Please try. I don’t know how much more of this me and my phone can take.

maninabirdsuit: no he’s right

maninabirdsuit: let’s try to calm down

myprecious: Right...let's be calm.

myprecious: Think of the nice ocean breeze and laying on the beach as the sun hits your body..

myprecious: And the sounds of the waves crashing onto the shore...and those fucking seagulls that start trying to steal your food, like when you accidentally dropped a granola bar into the sand and it swooped in and picked it up 

myprecious: Imagine looking around and seeing all of the hot people you could try to flirt with but don’t have the courage to because they look like statues carved by Greek gods while you’re stuck looking like a burnt potato

myprecious: But that’s okay because you don’t need a significant other, you’re content with swimming in the ocean and diving and seeing all the fish, and talking with your pal Fred while slowly acclimating to their lifestyle and becoming a fish whisperer 

maninabirdsuit: what the fuck is happening

maninabirdsuit: i’m scared

myprecious: And as the days go on you notice that you’re slowly starting to become more aware and starting to the see the light, the true meaning of life and all of its glory

myprecious: As you walk to the pier to go talk to Fred and Samantha about their morning jog, you slowly see Steve Jobs rising out of the ocean, parting the sea like Moses, but while only using the tip of his pinkie’s fingernail.

clothinghanger: what are you on

clothinghanger: and can i have some

tinytinman: I am actually genuinely concerned for your mental health 

tinytinman: I’m going to ask FRIDAY to do a drug test 

myprecious: Well to be fair

myprecious: I didn’t intend for it to be a weird thing until it started being weird 

maninabirdsuit: that sentence itself concerns me

myprecious: I’m not insane guys I promise

byefelicia: I regretted reopening this chat immediately.

doesntlikeedsheeran: Who named this guy bye felicia

clothinghanger: meeee 

doesntlikeedsheeran: I’m

doesntlikeedsheeran: I’m so tempted to leave

maninabirdsuit: wait 

maninbirdsuit: guys

maninabirdsuit: peter’s name should be it’s wednesday my dudes 

clothinghanger: omg—

everythinggoodintheworld: YES.

_everythinggoodintheworld changed his nickname to “itswednesdaymydudes”_

itswednesdaymydudes: Why didn’t we think of this sooner

itswednesdaymydudes: I’m ashamed

clothinghanger: smh me too

clothinghanger: hold on waitwait i have one for me

_clothinghanger changed her nickname to “ninkiminjaj”_

itswednesdaymydudes: OMFG THATS BEAUTIFUL

ninkiminjaj: IKR

_tinytinman changed waytoopatriotictobesociallyacceptable’s name to “manwithadinnerplate”_

tinytinman: It was too long for my liking

myprecious: That is what she said

tinytinman: Clint I swear to god

manwithadinnerplate: I don’t understand this name.

manwithadinnerplate: Is this a vine reference?

itswednesdaymydudes: ohmygod

itswednesdaymydudes: Mr. Stark I love you

tinytinman: Love you too kid

heyzeus: Dw about it Steve

heyzeus: And don’t look it up 

_maninabirdsuit changed tinytinman’s name to “neverwenttooovoojaver”_

myprecious: hAHH

byefelicia: Alright, I’ll admit that one was funny.

neverwenttooovoojaver: Wilson

neverwenttooovoojaver: That’s the last straw

maninabirdsuit: what are you gonna do 

maninbirdsuit: try me bitch 

_neverwenttooovoojaver changed maninabirdsuit’s name to “adultvirgin”_

adultvirgin: ..

ninkiminjaj: I’M CACKLING

myprecious: Damn

myprecious: That was harsh

neverwenttooovoojaver: Harsh because it’s true?

ninkiminjaj: DAMN

adultvirgin: its not true

adultvirgin: its very far from the truth

neverwenttooovoojaver: Sure, and I’m Chris Hemsworth

myprecious: Oh, so you admit you’re not as sexy as Chris Hemsworth? 

neverwenttooovoojaver: No one can be as sexy as Chris Hemsworth.

lordofthunder: I think I could be an equal to him.

lordofthunder: We look quite similar.

neverwenttooovoojaver: Shh, the adults are talking 

neverwenttooovoojaver: Oh and it looks like I’ve gotta go

neverwenttooovoojaver: Pepper just called me in for a meeting

myprecious: I didn’t know you still went to those

neverwenttooovoojaver: I do go to them, Clint

neverwenttooovoojaver: I’m a responsible adult 

adultvirgin: AHAHHAHAHAAAAA

adultvirgin: man what a great joke tony i didn’t know you were such a comedian 

neverwenttooovoojaver: Shut up

neverwenttooovoojaver: I actually have to go

itswednesdaymydudes: Bye Mr. Stark!! 

neverwenttooovoojaver: Bye Pete :)

myprecious: Is he gone?

myprecious: Tonyyyy

myprecious: Oh yay he’s gone 

_doesntlikeedsheeran changed neverwenttooovoojaver’s name to “tonystank”_

adultvirgin: TONY STANK

adultvirgin: IMCRYING

doesntlikeedsheeran: College was fun.

myprecious: Oh my god I can’t believe that’s a thing

myprecious: That makes me so happy

byefelicia: I’m going to use that from now on

adultvirgin: Me too

vizziepoo: Hello everyone. 

wandabear: Hello :)

itswednesdaymydudes: Hi Vision! Hi Wanda! 

vizziepoo: Hello Peter! 

wandabear: Hi Peter! 

myprecious: Heyyy, it’s the couple of the year

heyzeus: Hey guys, nice of you to drop by

heyzeus: We need some sanity to balance out the chat

wandabear: Haha, define sanity 

adultvirgin: the opposite of clint 

adultvirgin: and i need to change this name smh

_adultvirgin changed his nickname to “thighsandquads”_

ninkiminjaj: hullo 

ninkiminjaj: what 

thighsandquads: im a master of leg day

thighsandquads: the thighs and quads are all that matters

vizziepoo: Aren’t thighs and quads the same thing?

thighsandquads: no, they’re different. the thighs and quads are on the front of the leg and it’s connected to the hamstring

vizziepoo: But the quad is a part of the thigh, so isn’t it the same thing?

byefelicia: Um, guys?

thighsandquads: no, there’s three parts of the thigh and the quads in it so it’s not the same thing

vizziepoo: They would be the same thing though because the quad is in the thigh like you said, so they’re the same thing.

byefelicia: I think its time to calm down.

thighsandquads: no it’s not they’re completely different, the thigh is the whole and the quad is a part

byefelicia: Guys

vizziepoo: But that makes them the same thing because the quad includes the thigh..

thighsandquads: do you want to feel my quad 

byefelicia: Ooookay, I feel uncomfortable 

thighsandquads: im just saying if he felt my nice and firm quad he might see the light

vizziepoo: They’re still the same thing.

thighsandquads: okay fine whatever it doesn’t matter

thighsandquads: all that matters is that it’s leg day every day

vizziepoo: But you could hurt yourself if you worked out your legs everyday..

thighsandquads: how the hell do you know what’s good for me

manwithadinnerplate: Is that your opinion?

thighsandquads: ..

myprecious: OH

myprecious: YES

myprecious: oh shit that’s what she said

wandabear: ..when did Steve learn about vine?

heyzeus: I introduced him ^^

itswednesdaymydudes: Is it bad I’m getting a little emotional

itswednesdaymydudes: He’s growing up

ninkiminjaj: don’t worry peter i am too

ninkiminjaj: he’s come so far

thighsandquads: wow 

thighsandquads: i didn’t even realize i set myself up for that

thighsandquads: nice job cap 

manwithadinnerplate: Thank you Sam.

_itswednesdaymydudes changed vizziepoo’s name to “theandriodsentbycyberlife”_

ninkiminjaj: oh 

ninkiminjaj: my god

ninkiminjaj: you actually did it

itswednesdaymydudes: Hell yeah

myprecious: imcrying

myprecious: Peter noooooo

itswednesdaymydudes: Peter yeeeeees

wandabear: Omg 

wandabear: I almost choked on my coffee haha

itswednesdaymydudes: Sorry Wanda XD

theandriodsentbycyberlife: I looked up the reference in my database and the character does match well to my situation.

theandriodsentbycyberlife: The nickname is very fitting, Peter. Thank you.

myprecious: Oh my god he even sounds like Connor what kind of magic—

itswednesdaymydudes: You’re welcome :)

theandriodsentbycyberlife: And I suppose I do sound a bit like him.

thighsandquads: icantbreathe

thighsandquads: thisisart

byefelicia: ..god

byefelicia: What has this world come to

heyzeus: Ichokedon my waiter

myprecious: wHAT

heyzeus: ****WATER

myprecious: DAMN

myprecious: That’s definitely what she said 

thighsandquads: woah i didn’t know you were into that

heyzeus: I didn’t mean to write that

heyzeus: My fingers didn’t work correctly

myprecious: Maybe because they were too busy doing something else ;)

manwithadinnerplate: Clint, why

itswednesdaymydudes: My poor virgin ears ;-;

ninkiminjaj: ^^^^^

heyzeus: Why am I here

heyzeus: What is reality

heyzeus: What is my purpose in life anymore

thighsandquads: goddamnit clint you made him go emo again

myprecious: Oh shit 

myprecious: Sorry

heyzeus: God, you’re so rude Clint

heyzeus: Where’s my MCR cd 

heyzeus: I need to sit in the dark abyss of my heart and wallow in self pity for a few hours

byefelicia: Why is he continuing this

byefelicia: You don’t need to continue this

heyzeus: This is who I am Strange

heyzeus: It’s not a phase

heyzeus: Deal with it

ninkiminjaj: imscREECHING

itswednesdaymydudes: icantdothisanymore

itswednesdaymydudes: icant

thighsandquads: i-i 

thighsandquads: my brain is gone

thighsandquads: this bullshit erased it

heyzeus: Yeah, it erased my personality and my soul too

myprecious: sTOP

myprecious: JUST STOP

itswednesdaymydudes: Oh god it hurts

ninkiminjaj: i can feel my brain slowly collapsing in on itself

doesntlikeedsheeran: Waitwait

doesntlikeedsheeran: Guys

doesntlikeedsheeran: Tony’s coming back

doesntlikeedsheeran: We need total silence for this

itswednesdaymydudes: Why?

doesntlikeedsheeran: You’ll see

doesntlikeedsheeran: Just trust me

thighsandquads: starting now?

doesntlikeedsheeran: Yeah, now

tonystank: Hey guys, I’m back

tonystank: Uh

tonystank: You know I can just scroll up and read what you said, right? I know you’re staying silent

tonystank: Okay I know my amazing presence renders people speechless but you can feel free to stop now

tonystank: ..alright Rhodey what the hell did you do I’m looking in the chat history

tonystank: Wait

tonystank: yOU SON OF A BITCH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote half of this on three hours of sleep and the rest half-asleep after a nap. It’s literally just whatever was left floating around in my brain that I pulled out with no thought whatsoever.
> 
> I hope you find it funny because I don’t even know what just happened.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Real talk though, I have the idea of doing a sequel with social media accounts and I want to know if you guys would like it, so just let me know in the comments!
> 
> Bye~


	6. Bonus: Peter.

Shutting off his phone, Peter sighed softly, slipping it into his pocket. Ever since Michelle disappeared and supposedly “killed” Tony Stark, May had decided to only allow her to come over to his house where she can keep an eye on her, because it apparently was too dangerous for him to be left alone with her (But it _wasn’t_ because it was all in good fun, and Mr. Stark knew that. So did the other Avengers! May just takes things too seriously). It was a bit of a pain, but she promised it was only for a couple of weeks, just so she could get some sense of how Michelle operated. Peter could kind of see where she was coming from though, considering Peter had only told her about Michelle and they hadn’t actually ever met. May was a little on the fence about Peter dating to begin with, considering his nighttime activities, but he quickly reassured her and told her that Michelle already knew (She somehow already knew before he even decided to tell her. Something about him and Ned being really loud, he couldn’t really process anything she said through the shock).

The group chat was doing a great job of distracting him, though. Word spreads quickly, so the rest of the team already knew Peter was a bit down because of the whole ordeal. Mr. Stark even tried to convince May to stop the whole thing, but, as his mentor quickly realized, Peter’s Aunt was extremely stubborn (“I swear to god Peter, one day you Parkers are going to make me rip my hair out. Are you all like this? Stubborn, entitled, opinionated? Jesus Christ, I’m getting a headache.”). The team had all taken to giving Peter a bunch of things to watch and constantly brought up new topics in the chat to distract him. It was sweet, and Peter appreciated the gestures. The two weeks without being able to cuddle with Michelle or kiss her was surprisingly difficult. The genius pair was surprisingly open and affectionate with their relationship, despite being two social outcasts. Ned in particular hated that aspect of their relationship, and pretended to vomit whenever a subtle flirt was exchanged between the two. Peter knew it was all in good fun, though.

Currently, it was 5:58 pm. May had asked him to skip out on his afternoon patrol to cook dinner, as she had to work a later shift than usual that day, and Peter naturally agreed, but he still couldn’t help but feel antsy, like he needed to do something. He had already made dinner—Kraft mac and cheese, the good stuff—and done all of his remaining homework, so there was nothing really left to do. In his free time he had made and taken down a web hammock, played a few rounds of Mario Kart, and surfed the web (which ended up displaying some very interesting results when he searched up his alter ego. He appreciated he fanart, he really did, but sometimes it just made him feel extremely violated. Like seriously, who spends time drawing what they think he looks like naked? It’s just disturbing). He’d also spent some time chatting with Karen, which was pretty fun. He always enjoyed spending time with her.

Now, Peter found himself hanging upside down from a web in the middle of his living room, playing Flappy Bird on his phone. He never deleted it after the trend died for some reason, and he still found himself playing it occasionally. It never lasted long, of course, because of his mildly short temper when it comes to the game, but it was still a pretty good way to pass the time. His high score was 73, and he was pretty damn proud of that (though he would never tell anyone, of course. That’s lame). Tapping his phone methodically with his thumb, he worked through the round, pulling his phone close to his face as if it would help him play better. Peter was doing pretty good so far—his score was currently at 65, no, now it’s 66, 67—and he was steadily approaching his high score. He hadn’t gotten this close to it in quite a while, so he was starting to get stressed. Heart thumping wildly in his chest, Peter made it past 70, continuing on to 71, and—

_Thump!_

Jumping a little from the sudden noise, his concentration was broken, and the bird on the screen slammed into the pole in front of it. Large letters appeared on the screen soon after, reading a score of 72.

“Damnit!” Peter yelled, dropping his phone onto the ground in defeat. Bringing his hands up to his face, he let out a loud noise (something between a scream and a groan. You know, that weird rage scream voice cracking noise. He didn’t really know what to call it). _I was so close_ , he thought, feeling his heart retract back into his chest with disappointment. He was only one point away! He could’ve beaten his score! If it wasn’t for that stupid—

Peter blinked, pulling his hands away from his face. What had caused him to lose? Eyes searching around the room, he soon spotted a pigeon standing in the open windowsill next to the front door. It was pecking the wood next to it, slowly chipping the white paint off with its beak. Peter stared at it dumbly, brain not being able to process the situation he had found himself it. A pigeon? How the hell did it get into the window? What should he do, urge it away with a broom?

As if sensing him staring, the pigeon turned to face Peter, eyes blank and still. For some reason Peter felt the smallest bit of intimidation, and swallowed harshly. He found himself unable to turn away from the pigeon’s eyes, almost as if they were glued to them. It continued to stare at him as if it were plotting something, some terrible demise that would befall him at any second and he wouldn’t be able to do anything to stop it. Thoughts raced in Peter’s mind—what is it going to do? What should he do? Is it going to attack him? Does it want something? Maybe it smells the food, should he get it some food? 

Smirking slightly with satisfaction (Do pigeons smirk? It felt like it smirked), the pigeon turned away from Peter, and flew out of the window. Peter let out a shaky sigh of relief, closing his eyes from the sudden release of anxiety. Did he really just get stared down by a pigeon? Maybe it was some animal thing, since he’s half spider. He was pretty sure pigeons eat spiders. Maybe that was it—it just thought he was food or something. _Like a pigeon could eat me_ , he thought with a small chuckle. _It’s not intimidating or anything. It’s just a pigeon._

Slowly lowering himself to the ground, Peter opened his eyes and flipped off the web and grabbed his phone, his gaze slowly fluttering to the empty windowsill, his mind only able to land on one single word.

Weird.

_To be continued..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y’all! Sorry for the small break, I’ve been stressing out for the past couple of weeks because of a bunch of shit that happened all at once in my life.
> 
> I’m actually currently writing the next part in this series—a small interlude, is you will—and I decided, hey. Marvel does post credits scenes. What if I do post credits chapters? *smirksmirk*
> 
> Of course there are no credits in fanfictions, so I decided it would be posted when I feel I’m about to post the new thing, whatever it is. And here it is for the next thing I’m working on! Hope y’all are as hyped as I am, because I’m pretty happy with how it’s turned out~ I have like...maybe a page or so more to write? There’s not much left.
> 
> And the sequel to this will be released soon~ (I have a little bit of it written already. I’m just trying to sort out what’s gonna happen because I have a shit ton of new material lmao) 
> 
> Hope you all enjoy~
> 
> Baiiii~


	7. SEQUEL! x2

I'm back.

 

 

 

 

or

 

 

 

I made a chatfic sequel. To a chatfic.

 

Genius, right?

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Jane Makes a Group Chat, Chaos Ensues (Of Course)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17516351) by [TheAnonymousGamer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAnonymousGamer/pseuds/TheAnonymousGamer)




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